In which mom got a little sleep and woke up sassy
It took four days but I think my mind and body finally agreed on a truce last night. I got some sleep and woke up ready to actually adult today.
I don’t know how it happened and I have no recollection of falling asleep. I took my medicine, went to the gym with husband when he got back, got in a fight with a “gym bro” after the gym, came home to bitch about it, had a late snack, showered, smoked a little pot followed by a sleepy time edible and then according to this fancy fitness watch - I was asleep by about midnight and slept fitfully until 7am. The app says that I was actually asleep for 6.25 hours.
I’ll TAKE IT! It’s better than nothing and we are all hoping for a repeat performance this evening.
I’m hoping it doesn’t take another four days for me to get sleep again - my body feels like lead still and it took most of the morning for me to make complete and coherent sentences. Rebound Insomnia meets REM Rebound in spectacular fashion.
Not gonna lie - this app broke down my sleep in a way that had me feeling very reassured that sleep and healing sleep is possible.
But what about the fight with “Gym Bro” - so glad you asked.
Husband and I are in our early 30’s. When a grown man is at fault but comes your way aggressively and says these three key phrases out loud - you may be fighting a “gym bro” from his early 20’s. I’d like to think no self respecting adult mature man would say these things but here they are:
1- “What the fuck, bro?!”
2- “I’m a fucking fighter, man. You don’t want to fuck with this. I’ve taken down so many dudes who run their mouth!"
3- “Let’s take this inside! I can fucking outlift you, bro!”
If any variation of these things comes out of their mouth…don’t even bother. It’s not nice to hit children.
Summary: Husband and I were leaving the gym, we were pulling out in our giant SUV and he came cruising around the bend to meet us head on (its a one way and he knew he was coming in the wrong way). We stop. He stops. We don’t move as we have the right way out of the parking lot. He creeps closer, so of course my Husband stays where he is followed by small forward creeping to let him know we were waiting for him to move his vehicle. There are now people behind us patiently waiting for this asshat to move so we can all get out. He stays there and then throws up what I know to be the international hand signal that proclaims that he is two kinds of people - a gym bro “what bro” signal (hands spread wide and chest puffed out), and he further proved he was an asshole with the forward jerking motion of his chest that we took to mean “I have no manners and need a severe ass whopping.”
My Husband doesn’t move the truck and hand signals him to move his car to the side. Gym bro does this aggressively all the while flipping us off and throwing taunts out the window. Great. Then he includes me in the conversation. I didn’t catch what he said but my heart rate was still going from the gym and to be honest - I’m a scrappy bitch when the people I love are threatened. My men folk both work hard to keep me comfortable and happy…i’m not about to let some young stupid shit like him disrespect my Husband.
So of course as soon as I see him get out of his truck I throw down my headphones and water bottle and throw open the door to mine.
I aggressively approach this guy fully knowing that if he touches me my Husband has my back. The “Gym Bro” is awfully confused by my 5’5” curvy self standing on tip toes to get into his face. “You really want to do this, gym bro?” he says no he won’t fight me but he will fuck up my husband.
Oh no, sugar tits. You get whatever the fuck life hands you. And today, I got out of the truck first.
Husband sees this guy get in my face and immediately puts himself between us. “Gym Bro” looks at my husband and sees this baby faced (Japanese Hispanic Native Americans age very well by the way) 30-something that doesn’t look tatted up and has glasses. He puffs up and they start yelling at each other.
Now, the first mistake was willingly driving through the one way street to get to the backside of the gym quicker. Second mistake was not moving to the side to let everyone pass and thinking that we would back down for him. Third was getting in another man’s wife’s face when you were already wrong to begin with. But the biggest mistake was throwing false punches at my husband.
You dumb “gym bro”. You just gave him valuable information. He now knows what side you favor and which arm is dominant. He has judged your stance and already measured your weight. My Husband fancies pressure points and is stupid accurate.
I asked him to use a pressure point to drop me to the floor once….I only had him do it once and I never saw it coming.
My Husband blocks the first one and punches the guy’s arm to block the second one. He must have hit him a little stronger than he though because this kid got scared and started bouncing on his toes trying to start a boxing match. When he started repeating the same three sentences over and over again the wind rushed out of my lungs. I now know that we are fighting a kid. Can’t be more than 23. And it’s an unfair fight.
My Husband calmly pursues him while letting him know exactly why he is in the wrong.
You see Gym Bro- not all strong men need tattoos or fancy gym attire. Not all heroes wear capes. Sometimes they were sweatpants and plain shirts with sneakers. Sometimes they have glasses and clean shaven faces. Sometimes, they are industrial mechanics and lift wrenches and machinery heavier than you. Sometimes they have a wife they would gladly kill for.
Son, it wouldn’t have even been an issue had you just said sorry and gone about your business. But no. That mouth hasn’t done you any favors this night.
I push the two apart. Gym Bro wants to go somewhere the security camera can’t see us. Husband responds with, “Why, so no one can capture on film me kicking your ass?” They throw insults back and forth and I tell Husband we are done - we don’t fight kids. “Gym Bro” looks confused. There is concerned patrons of the gym watching (and of course not doing anything).
This dumb fuck keeps running his mouth and says he will see us again. So while Chris is moving around the driver side I stay outside the truck, look him dead in the eyes, smile my biggest scariest smile and tell him, “We are here every day at 6pm. We are always in this big ass truck so you can’t miss us. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”
He looks creeped out. Says something else which I don’t catch because I have already flounced up into the truck. He takes off, we drive away slowly. I called the gym when we got home and explained what happened. They said they would get the security footage for us and as long as it didn’t happen inside the gym they weren’t going to do anything. They did tell me that if he bothers us inside the gym to let them know as they don’t like “lunks” or “gym bros” as I call them.
They like us - we are regulars and are always open and friendly with them.
I do believe Husband is coming home a little early today so that we can be sure to be there on time. I wonder if this guy will actually show up. 10 bucks says he brings friends. That’s OK. Husband and I haven’t cooperatively ever gotten in a fight before - making memories with my babe!
I tell Boyfriend about it when we get home. He’s not even concerned. He knows Husband will protect me and handle business. Having that kind of faith in his best friend warms my heart. He knows just like everyone else knows - don’t poke the at the sleepy dragon, he bites.
Other than that - having sleep is fucking amazing. Don’t eat a hotdog before bed no matter how hungry you are - its bad for you on so many different levels and makes you feel terrible in the morning.
And now I am off to write; doing something productive with my day today.
Is fall here yet?
-A
