In which mom pokes her head out...and decides to come back to life.

It has been well over a year since my last post. Since then, I’ve been recovering from two more surgeries – one major and one less major than the first. I feel silly saying this, but I just kept getting kicked while I was down. Once down all I could do was look up and wish I was at the top.

I’ve heard it said that once you hit rock bottom all you can go is up. I call bullshit on that one. You forget that you can stay in the same position by going sideways. I was treading water. I was treading water and doing a shit job of it. Things don’t get better but they don’t get worse either. Only things kept getting worse for me. Recovery was and still is the hardest thing I am dealing with right now.

For several months after my full hysterectomy my body had physically been labelled healed. Unfortunately, I suffered massive panic attacks all day every day, insomnia that just wouldn’t give me any relief, physical body pains and weakness that I couldn’t explain – the list is just massive. My body hasn’t been my own since the surgeries. I’ve been taking long walks, doing breathing exercises, trying to engage with people I lost touch with since the first surgeries happened. Anything to get some relief from this hell. I even started lifting weights just to try a different tactic to restoring my health.

My eating habits were greatly affected too. Some days I want to eat and some days I don’t. And when I don’t want to eat I try to drink a lot of water in its place. Unfortunately, my weight has been yo-yoing around and I can’t seem to keep it going down before it pops right back up to a place I don’t want it to be. I’m sure it’s my diet. I’m just too exhausted to try and fix that angle yet. I know I need to cut out dairy and bread but honestly, sometimes that’s the only sustenance I get in a day.

To take care of myself mentally I started seeing a psychiatrist to help with medication management and to get me evened out. After a rough start in the late summer we found some medication that is helping me. I don’t have the all day panic attacks as often. And I am sleeping more – it’s varied with a few hours at night and then a few hours during the morning, but at least I am sleeping. I used to go days without sleeping and it was affecting me mentally as well as physically. I can only be grateful at this point that it’s not as bad as it was.

My health took its toll on my family members, but I don’t know who was more shocked – me or them – that their strength is immeasurable. Daughter and Son weathered my ups and downs in the way only kids can – with surprising grace. They didn’t see much of me in the first few months. I was mostly in bed and healing and trying to deal with what I let the doctors do to me. They just kept telling me every day, “I love you mommy, you can do this.”

They are too beautiful for words and I am blessed to have them. They are the strong ones in the house. And they can adapt to just about anything.

Boyfriend took care of everything in the house and the kids’ care just as he has been doing for a couple years before I started getting really sick. I can not tell you how much respect I have for him. To quit your job to stay home with a sick girlfriend and the kids and the husband, plus dogs and cats and turtles…I just don’t get where he gets the strength or stamina to deal with all of it and still be in love with me and this family we’ve created. He has been such a constant source of stability in my life that I credit a lot of my return to health to him. He literally takes care of everything so that I could focus on just getting me back to normal. Or as close as possible. And his efforts haven’t been unnoticed by family members.

In the shock of all shocks my stepmother has reached out and asked about him. Even going so far as to include him in her rolodex (that rolodex is like the family bible, once you’re in, you’re basically as important as family), and even has sent him Christmas presents and little gifts along side some things for Husband. That really warmed my heart. I know what it must have taken for them to come to terms with the relationship I have and how it is not really supported by their religion. They never wanted to know about him or anything for the first five years of our relationship. But sometime after my hysterectomy I started noticing she would ask about him. Or she would make a passing comment. And her influence was noticed when my dad made a comment about my men folk.

And now we are planning a trip out to see them – the five of us. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. Years ago we tried doing separate family trips and leaving Boyfriend at home but it made us so unhappy we just decided to stay home. Most of the trips were me taking the kids since Husband wouldn’t leave a member of our family behind. If people couldn’t accept all of us together then they didn’t need to see us at all. A little harsh, I know, but so is asking a family to leave someone behind simply because they don’t agree with our love.

And Husband…that man is someone I can proudly say I absolutely hero worship. He got me through everything and continues to be the absolute support I need while I heal. Everyday he does everything he can to make my life more comfortable and to ensure I have everything I need to get me back to health and to be better. He and Boyfriend sort of just talk it all out and make sure they are in communication always so that the house runs smoothly without my interference. I stopped questioning a long time ago how it works – for us, it just does.

Recently Husband made upgrades to two of the rooms in the house. We now have a fully functioning and redone classroom for the kids (pandemic moved the kids to online school here at the house), and a fully done and functional office for me.

This is the first time in over a year I have sat down behind the screen and just typed.

I do apologize if this website is lacking and I haven’t added anything to it. I’m in the process of getting back to normal so that too will take some time. Me writing this and posting it will be the start of good thing, I think.

Things are starting to look up and I am hoping that means some relief for the two men in my life that have kept me alive and as comfortable as possible while I went through hell. I know it’s cliché but they really did go through hell with me.

So here is hoping that life blesses them, and my children, with a better year next year.