It comes in waves.
I’m a 38 year old mother of two young teenagers. For the last 21 years I have been with my husband, and the last 10 of those we added a second husband to the mix. For the ease of understanding I will name them Husband, Boyfriend, Daughter and Son. Poly families are unique in general, but ours was so beautiful.
Three years ago things started to change and I now find myself going through a divorce with Husband. I didn’t see that one coming. Due to the circumstances around our marriage and the hurt caused I will absolutely be going through with the divorce to the man that has been my everything and my best friend for last two decades. The first week after he left was brutal. But by week 3 I had a better handle on my feelings and was thinking clearly.
When someone you think the world of purposefully sets out to hurt you - it hits you differently. And I keep thinking to myself, “Why didn’t you see? Why didn’t you believe when you were told what was happening?” I think I just had total love and faith in a man who felt he didn’t need to be faithful to me. He gave me Boyfriend, but there were clear rules in place to keep cheating from happening - it’s called consent. Had he just been honest with me instead of pushing me away every time I asked him what was wrong, I don’t think any of this would’ve happened. We’ve struggled so much because he was our leader. We all built our lives around him and were so grateful because he took care of everything financially.
We, Boyfriend and I, took care of everything else. All he had to do was work and maybe give us some attention here and there. But when things got super difficult with Son and he was having major behavioral problems, Husband checked out. So for the last three years Boyfriend and I have taken over all the parenting and handling of the children. He stopped hugging them, stopped talking to them with interest. He turned to video games to chase his dream of being a gamer/streamer online.
We supported his dream to the point that we didn’t even make him go to family functions anymore. We tried our hardest to take care of him and everything else. It would have been so nice if he had cared and contributed. Our children wouldn’t hate him so much I think had he cared or been present.
I also managed our time together. I spend days with Boyfriend and evenings and nights with Husband while Boyfriend takes care of the kids so we can have time for each other. Only that stopped when he started streamaing. After a couple years he had a modest following and had made many friends. And me? I sat not ten feet from him on the bed eagerly watching him or just being in the background and doing my own thing.
But this didn’t stay so happy and great. I have Endometriosis and PCOS and I started to feel intense pain. So i try to cry quietly but still stay in bed next to him because damnit my man was going to succeed and I wanted to be there for it. Every achievement he made I was there celebrating him. Even in pain I was super pumped for him. Its what made all of this so painful for me.
There were no dates, no anniversaries we celebrated, no evening walks or drives. We didn’t even celebrate our birthdays. It’s like the more friends he got and more attention he received the more distant he became. But I stayed. Because I believed in him. I knew him to be a man of honor, wisdom, and faith in us.
He was unfaithful. I gave him the choice, me or her. He chose her. He chose some “Internet Hoe” as my children call her, that said pretty pretty things to him to fill a void that he himself caused. And no I’m not going to correct them anymore or try to get them to be respectful. They don’t have to - THEY were the ones that caught him being unfaithful to me both times with the same girl.
Once my head cleared of the pain I found it funny. She knows nothing of the real him. And as his daughter says, “The Internet Hoe likes married men. She knew he was married and he had us kids and she went after him anyway. She’s a classic homewrecker so stop feeling bad mom. He deserves everything thats about to happen to him.” I just sat there and nodded my head. They took off to play and I thought about that for a long time. I actually don’t hate her. I’m disgusted by her. ANY woman that takes a man from his wife and kids will definitely reap what you sow.
She seems to think he’s amazing and I think she set the bar too low. Like on the floor. The man I married, yes. This man he’s been for three years now - no.
The kids stalked her online (I already knew who she was because I thought she was just his friend online.) Lol, whore. They are not impressed. They said a bunch of things about her pictures and I let it go on for about 30 minutes. I think it helped them to see who their enemy was and not be phased by her. I laughed my ass off because my kids have an excellent grasp of elevated vocabulary and I knew what they were trying to do.
And honestly, she didn’t steal my man. My man died three years ago when he started us on this journey. He used to be strong, not just physically but emotionally. He was our leader. He was kind, he was funny, he loved his kids and actually did something in their relationship. But three years ago he started ignoring all of us. Ignoring our needs, ignoring our love for him, ignoring our home. He pushed everything on to me and I happily tried to juggle it all - because my love for him was endless and I was so grateful that he worked so hard to take care of us.
I put some very important parts of my self on hold because I had absolute faith that he was mine forever. And he was a great man - truly one of the very few. I felt honored to be his wife and to have had such a long history with him. Now I don’t even want to look at his face. When I see him he just seems like a pathetic excuse or remnant of the man he used to be.
Husband used to make fun of women just like her. Calling them all sorts of names and even made is opinion clear of men who cheat and do that shit to their wives.
That didn’t age well, did it?
We’ve had a hard time with Son and Boyfriend in the past - they always butt heads. But now that Husband is gone, there is actual peace in my house. Son and Boyfriend don’t argue much anymore. Usually just stuff about chores. Daughter is surprisingly really close with Boyfriend now. Boyfriend reassures them every single day that he isn’t leaving and that he will always be their dad. Even if he and I break up he promised them to stay here so we could raise the kids together. We start each day with hugs and kisses now. We cuddle - all of us - and we even go to bed early so we can better support the kids.
They are what’s important here.
Something you should know, my kids are adopted. And they have some significant emotional issues that we have been addressing through the years. But now, in the midst of this mess, we have found happiness. It’s new, but not fragile. I am now focusing on my relationship with them in a way we haven’t ever done before. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but it might if I tell you Boyfriend is really my submissive. Its how our relationship originally started. I am his Domme and he is the Sub/Boyfriend. I always made sure that during the morning I can spend a little time with him. But once afternoon comes and Husband came home I would switch to spending the afternoon, evening, and night with Husband. We never wanted to make him feel like he was an option. And Boyfriend always wanted it that way too.
Now me and Boyfriend aren’t blameless. When I wasn’t getting responses or any help I would yell. We got into arguments and fights and after a few years of us repeating this lack of communication or effort Husband decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore….after he got caught cheating with the same girl twice. No amount of yelling and fighting deserves cheating as a response. I was fighting with all I had to get him to put the bare minimum of effort into our family. Nothing I did could convince him to change his behavior, to participate, to interact. There was just nothing left. He gave her and his friends everything that he should have been giving us. We realized after he left that we probably were better off…didn’t make too much sense to try to make him be a better man. We couldn’t make him do anything. Not even care.
God I loved this man with my entire being. I thought the world of him. Now he’s living at my sisters house and doesn’t see or talk to his kids. He lost his wife, his partner, a friend, and his children, all for some internet strange. I think if he ever finds his heart again, if he ever fixes himself, I hope he realizes what he lost and I hope it hurts like hell. I don’t wish bad things to happen to him but I don’t wish him well either.
He couldn’t even be bothered with his kids. He texts once a week or so. The kids won’t talk to him so the conversation is short. Had I been in his position I would’ve called every day. Even if they didn’t want to talk to me - I’d still show up at least in that way. I would have him put me on speaker phone so the kids could hear me say I love you and miss you and was thinking of you.
But he won’t. He never does and never has. What’s sad is that Daughter said that had he put any effort into their relatioship she probably would’ve started talking to him. But so much time has passed that they just can’t. Once you hurt kids deeply, they don’t forget. And they don’t forgive. My kids had attachment issues and trust issues. They just watched their father tear their mother, their life, and everything we had built together for nothing. So now they say he is nothing.
It just hurts. I hurt for my kids.
Now that Husband has gone we’ve been having a few firsts in our relationship. We actually slept in the same bed the other night. Which was awesome! My mother in law took the kids for the evening, which is rare for us, so we had a whole 24 hours to ourselves. We mostly talked and played games and then when it was night I started feeling a little lonely. Almost as if he could read my mind he came and asked if I was ok. I’m not really good at asking for things that I need, but I picked up the courage and asked him if he would sleep in the same bed as me.
He said yes. I felt much better. Its weird though, he has slept in the bed with me and Husband before (very rare) and it was fine, but Boyfriend snores like a chainsaw so we always slept apart. I’m a light sleeper and I toss and turn all night with insomnia or Endo pain so we just never slept in the same bed.
But that night? We slept together as if we had been doing it every night for the last ten years. It was amazing. We woke up and he told me he really liked that. I did to.
Unfortunately for him, he has a daughter that is taller than her own mother and stronger for sure. She likes sleeping in my bed at night because her heart is hurting so bad and she is very much feeling like she is going through a break up too. She said something to her dad one of the first days after he left. I’ll never forget this, she says, “You were the first man I ever trusted and you hurt the only mom I’ve ever known.” Yeah, when my baby hurts, she may not know how to deal with it, but she can describe it. That was a hell of a way to describe it.
I know she loves Husband deep down. But she was so angry because she caught him the first time and he promised her and I that he would never do it again. And then when he did it the second time she kept telling me he was cheating (both daughter and son caught him the second time), I didn’t believe her. She kept telling me, “Mommy he’s cheating! Why don’t you see it? Why don’t you believe me?”
I should’ve llistened. Not that the outcome would have been any different.
She’s in so much pain. She only trusts Boyfriend because she says he’s never lied to her and he’s been a more involved dad than Husband. They don’t want to hear me when I try telling them about the good times we’ve had in the past. I even ask them every day if they want to call or go see their dad and they are refusing.
Son has a horrible relationship with his dad. I coudn’t even begin to tell you how bad. To be fair, Husband tried many different ways to connect with the son that goes out of his way to steal from him and ruin his tools and stuff. Three years ago they had a big blow out and it was horrible. They’ve never recovered from it I don’t think.
It’s been a couple of months since he left. And so it comes in waves. Sometimes I see something funny online and I immediately turn to the side to show him…only he’s not there. And then it all comes flooding back. The lies, the cheating, the pain. Him checking out of not just our relationship but his relationship with his own children. Now they don’t want to see him at all and it’s hurting them. We’ve found a child therapist so I am hoping in the next few months my children will be a little more settled.
As for me, I am trying to juggle everything between my health, my kids and their health and emotional well being, Boyfriend and this new phase of our relationship, and myself and my own needs. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I don’t. I’ve been learning about forgiveness - specifically in forgiving myself. I don’t think there is any forgiving Husband for what he has done to me and the kids. He doesn’t seem to understand how devastated the kids are. Boyfriend just figures Husband doesn’t like him anyway so he has moved on.
We were so close before. A strong unit. A loving family.
We all have moved on. We will heal in time, but while we are doing that we are moving on.
My children, ever the comedians, decided collectively that they would like me to find someone else to be with because they really liked having three parents. I said ok, weird request but ok. Then they took the topic of conversation to Boyfriend - and he too was actually fine with it. Then they hit me with the bombshell - We want a step mom!
-sigh- My children know I am bisexual and that I’ve had relationships with women before. So it’s decided - they want a step mom.
What they did next didn’t surprise me. They got on my phone (I’m sitting next to them reading), and started with TIKTOK. They went to the search bar and typed lesbian. After awhile they narrowed it down. “Mommy, we think a masculine lesbian would be best.”
Oh, really? Why is that?
“Well, she will take us to do stuff. And maybe she will be a builder so she can fix stuff. And snacks, it looks like they know where to find all the snacks.” And then came the questions they had to each other, “Do we want her to be tall? Play sports? Drive a truck or car? Do you think she will take us for Boba and some Arcade time? Ok, but we also need to make sure she takes mommy on dates. And she can like Boyfriend too, thats fine, but not necessary.”
It was an endless parade of questions and back and forth. And I didn’t have the heart to tell them that the stereotypes they were finding online weren’t close to reality for most people but they just shrugged and continued window shopping for a new mom. I didn’t think much about it until I received an interesting message from a beautiful woman.
Looks like my kids did a little more than window shop.
Not gonna lie, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Judging by her name I think she is Japanese, but I haven’t had the courage to ask her. And I am not in any position to be in another relationship so we have been friendly chit chatting back and forth. She makes me laugh,
She has a back and forth comment with daughter, and we are planning on making a video to surprise her with. Its going to be a dance battle video as this beautiful woman loves to dance. She is so ridiculously beautiful and funny. We’ve been going back and forth on video ideas for her tiktok channel.
The more I find out about her the more I am interested. And Boyfriend is really chill about the whole thing. I told him I would never do anything to jeapordize our relationship and that I needed him to be honest about what he is feeling. He said it was complete truth. He just wants to be with me too and he doesn’t mind sharing. She too is bisexual which is awesome, but there is one small thing that I’m not too sure about.
She’s ten years younger than me.
She’s also got this amazing job and very active life. Sometimes I feel like mine has been on pause for so long and now that I have a chance to chase my own wants and dreams I’m a little scared. Doesn’t stop me from dreaming about her.
I was up a few nights ago with some intense pain when I received a notification on my phone. Someone had liked a picture on my instagram. It was her! My heart exploded in my chest. Am I so attention starved and hurt and broken that a simple like on a photo is enough to change my mood? I’m not sure. But one thing I do know…I felt seen. Like there was something good about me that she was thinking about. I felt just the tiniest bit desired, and that felt amazing.
She is honestly so sweet.
Maybe, eventually, I will find a woman to love and settle down with. She’ll have to be ok with Boyfriend. And she will have to come with snacks. Maybe it’ll be this woman I’m conversing with now, or maybe it’ll be someone else.
What matters is that I am whole. I am loved. I am seen. Boyfriend, Daughter, Son, and myself will find our new normal, our new happy, in time. As for the rest of it - it comes in waves.